Aug. 23, 2017

I wonder if my boys know...

When my first born son, Jeff, had his first day of kindergarten, I was standing in the classroom by him as he was settling into his school desk.  As parents entered the room, dropped off their little ones, and exited, I stood by my precious 5 year old sweetheart baby boy, not wanting to leave his side.  I was having a difficult time holding back tears.  As I stood there I was mentally berating the stupid world for taking my little angel away from me.

Then suddenly, my extremely, self-sufficient since the day he came out of me, I belong to maw maw’s little boy, looked up at me and said, “Mom, you can go now."  Robotically, I bent down, kissed my Jeffy on the top of his genius little head, and exited the room, all the while fighting hard to hold back tears.

Walking down the hallway, I could keep them back no longer, and I broke out sobbing.  There were people passing me in the hallway and in the parking lot, and I didn’t care if they saw me crying.  I cried in my car, cried driving home, and I cried when I got home. I cried until I got tired of crying. 

So, you first time kindergarten parents, trust me, I feel your pain, because I've been there.  It doesn't get any easier to let them go as they grow up either. From time to time, I still cry about them not being my babies any more.  I hope I get over that someday, but I think if that were going to happen, it would have happened by now.

I still cry about my Jeffy and also my Ethan. I cry about Jeff when I haven't seen him in more than a month, and when he was flying overseas, and when I think back on how small he was. And with Ethan, I cry when I think about how few talks we've had together and when I don't see him for a while, when I think he's having difficulties or when I think about him working NICU and his saving babies.

Did you know that when you're kids grow up, you're supposed to let them go out on their own, and let them make their own mistakes, and you can't give advice or try to fix things for them, because they don't care for that. 

I've been crying about my boys for 34 years, ever sense Jeffy's first day of kindergarten.  I wonder if they know that I do that?