Aug. 8, 2016

mom is proud of me

I have the suckiest experiences with men. Here’s a for instance...

I'm shopping at the grocery store on Sunday.  Lots of men grocery shop on Sundays.  Wonder why?  Anyway, most of these guys are rude.  I had to yank my cart to a stop, because a gentleman wanted to go ahead of me down the aisle.  He barely looked at me, and didn’t bother to excuse himself.  I know that if I were beautiful and sexy, he would be falling all over himself to freaking carry my cart down the freaking aisle! But alas, I am invisible to men.

When someone, be it a male or a female, is on an aisle looking at things on a shelf, I always say excuse me when I pass them. It’s the considerate thing to do.  I said excuse me to a guy, and he said, "You're okay." In my sexiest voice, I wanted to say, "Oh I’m way better than that."  But I know Mom wouldn't be happy with me if I said that, so relax, I didn't.

At the end of my shopping, I was loading groceries in my car and the guy parked next to me on a motorcycle asked me to help him with his zipper.  Oh come on people!  The zipper on the saddle bags on his bike, so he could fit his food in there!  Get your minds out of the gutter!

I always act so goofy around men, here’s proof….  I said, “I’ll help you, but I think I’ve seen this episode on Criminal Minds.”  He laughed and promised that he wasn’t a killer.  Then I said, "Oh I get it, you're running out of places to bury the bodies, right?"  He laughed and said, "Well I do have a long freezer about the size of your car, where I could hide a few bodies."  I laughed.  I was thinking, wow, this guy gets my sense of humor, hmmm, this is rare.

And then, he dropped the same old bomb that every guy I've ever had a conversation with drops, "Yes, my wife said she'd like to throw me in there one of these days."  BOOM!

So sick of hearing that one... "my wife, my wife, my wife."  I wanted to say, "Easy stud.  I'm not wanting to mount you, I’m just having an innocent conversation with you.  And besides, what makes you think I’m panting after you… you've got a pregnant belly, probably from all the beer you drink, and you're wearing a shirt that says Dough Boy.  Dude, listen to me, you’re not that great of a catch, so relax and don’t get your nards in a twist.  You’re safe.  Oh, and say hello to your wife for me, you old fart." 

But instead, I laughed and got into my car.  I knew Mom would have been proud.