Oct. 14, 2015

the top 9 things to remember when evil is near....

#1 When you enter a scary house, don’t walk around in the dark, turn on the freaking light! Better yet, don’t enter a scary house.

#2 If your child says he is afraid to sleep in his room, because there is monster in his closet or under the bed, don’t make him sleep in his room.

#3 When anyone or anything is chasing you, get your stupid hair out of your eyes, so that you can see where you’re going.

#4 If something evil is chasing you, don’t ever look back, just run.

#5 If strange things have been occurring in your home and you leave the baby upstairs in its crib and he continually cries, bring him downstairs to be close to you and away from the evil one, you big stupid macaroon.

#6 If you hit a monster with an axe and he falls, don’t drop the axe and slump to the floor with relief. Keep hold of the axe and chop the monster into tiny little pieces, then burn the pieces, so that it doesn’t rise up and get you. And again, don’t slump to the floor with relief. Get the heck far away from there.

#7 While chopping the monster into tiny little pieces, keep your stupid mouth closed so that the monster’s blood doesn’t get into your mouth. That’s just disgusting.

#8 When you’re trying to escape a crazy evil man, you’ve gathered your family in your car and are driving away, roll up all the dang windows, lock all the dang doors and don’t drive like a dumb ars and run into a tree.

#9 Do not buy your child a clown doll like the one pictured here.

Follow these 9 rules and you just might make it.