Nov. 13, 2017

 

 

  [Thank you Michael Petty for creating this picture. It symbolizes all the things that make me NUTZ in this post! You rock!]

 

 

10 things that drive me NUTZ...

1. It drives me NUTZ when a coin is tossed on a counter, and the coin doesn't lay down right away; but instead it twirls, making spinning coin noises.  If a coin doesn't fall flat on the counter immediately, I will slap that thing down!!  This also goes for spinning lids, or anything that spins, except for a top.  Tops are supposed to spin.

 2. The sound of cars running and running outside my house, drives me NUTZ!  They will sit out there and rumble my house with their steady hum.  And sometimes, if I'm really lucky, a car will play loud music that sounds like an oompa band is playing right outside my front door, or it sometimes sounds like a boom, boom, boom bass.

 3. It drives me NUTZ when people don't use their blinker lights.  An instance I find especially nutzy-causing is when parents are driving into the elementary school by my house.  Some will wait until they are in the act of turning before putting on their blinker, because they don't want the parent arriving from the opposite direction to enter the school before they do. Some kind parents will do the every other car enters the school routine, which I find quite refreshing to watch, but I've seen more of the non-blinker people or blinker-during-the-turn people.

 4.  I took the picture on the bottom row left corner  I took this from our break room. Do you see anything in it that might cause me to go NUTZ?  I believe that the person who is placing a wet carafe on the burner of our coffee machine to let it drain dry, might be trying to make a point of some kind, but for the life of me, I haven't figured out what that point might be.  Can you see the point?

 5. You know all those people who drive big stupid trucks, and they usually back into a parking space?  Well, sometimes they drive me NUTZ.  Now I understand that taking the time to back-in saves them a couple of seconds during their departure, and I’ve been told that it makes it easier for them to see when pulling out, even though they’re sitting up there in the clouds and can see everything for miles.  BUT, and I have a big one, what drives me NUTZ is when you’re following one of the rotund behemoths through a parking lot and it suddenly stops and starts backing into you to pull into a parking space backwards, and you’ve got to scramble to look back to see if you can pull back or not.  AND, lots of times, people who drive big stupid trucks and they back-in, they will sometimes take up their parking space and about a 4th of another, so they’re taking up 2 parking spaces.  And when someone is driving one of those big stupid duly trucks… well, I’ve gotta stop there, before I run under a tree and start collecting acorns!

 6.  And my last drives me NUTZ... Please stop all the kale pushing!  Geez!  Luby's has always made the very best spinach ever, but they've stopped making it and put kale in it's place!  Kale tastes horrible, it's bitter, and it sucks grass!  But, every time I go to Luby's, I always ask for the spinach, and hope that all of you spinach lovers out there will do the same, so that Luby's will konk themselves on the head and think, "Wow, everybody's asking for spinach.  Maybe, we should start making it again, and throw this kale crap away."  Dong... duh... seriously!

                             

 I love you all! Thank you for reading.  Remember… don’t run with scissors, if a maniac is chasing you, don’t run into a dark ally, and most important of all, call your Mother and Gamma, I know she would love that.

Nov. 5, 2017

As I age, I’m becoming more old farty, and I get testy over the tiniest changes.  For example:

My littlest grandson Varric"I'm going to kinder someday."

Middle grandson Rowan"You're too little to go to kinder!"

Varric: "I didn't say I was going to kinder now!  I said I was going to kinder some day!"

Gamma (me):  "Wait a minute. Wait just a minute! Kinder? What's Kinder? Do you mean kindergarten?"

Varric & Rowan nod.

Gamma"When did they start calling it just kinder? When did they shorten it to kinder?  Is it too difficult for nowadays people to say kindergarten?"

Varric & Rowan staring at me, puzzled.

Gamma"Was it such a huge word that they had to shorten it, because they no longer have time to say 4 syllables?  Geez, what a bunch of lazy…!” (I look down at my grandsons.)

Varric & Rowan were just standing there looking at me, probably thinking their Gamma was going to go crazy all over the place. Realizing that I was being eyed by them…

Gamma:  (I grabbed them both up, and squeezed them tight and said,) "I sure do love you guys!"

As Rowan was walking away, I heard him mumble something that sounded like turbed, as in disturbed or old turd, or something like that.

          

State laws you may need to know about...

In West Virginia… Don't attempt to substitute a hunting dog with a ferret. Anyone who hunts, catches, takes, kills, injures, or pursues a wild animal or bird with a ferret will face a fine of no less than $100 (but no more than $500) and no less than 10 (but no more than 100) days in jail.

In Hawaii… Men from the Orakama tribe are not permitted to eat their second wife.

      

 I love you all! Thank you for reading.  Remember… don’t run with scissors, and call your Muther and Grandmuther, I know that they would love that.

Oct. 30, 2017

I posted these last year at Halloween.  It’s very important that you heed these 10 rules!

 #1 When you enter a scary house, don’t walk around in the dark, turn on the freaking light! Better yet, don’t enter a scary house.

#2 If your child says he is afraid to sleep in his room, because there is monster in his closet or under the bed, don’t make him sleep in his room.

#3 When anyone or anything is chasing you, get your stupid hair out of your stupid eyes, so you can see where you’re going.

#4 If something evil is chasing you, don’t ever look back, just run.

#5 If strange things have been occurring in your home and you leave the baby upstairs in its crib and he continually cries, bring him downstairs to be close to you and away from the evil one, you big stupid macaroon.

#6 If you hit a monster with an axe and he falls, don’t drop the axe and slump to the floor with relief. Keep hold of the axe and chop the monster into tiny little pieces, then burn the pieces, so that it doesn’t rise up and get you.

#7 While chopping the monster into tiny little pieces, keep your stupid mouth closed so that the monster’s blood doesn’t get into your mouth. That’s just disgusting.

#8 When you’re trying to escape a crazy evil man, you’ve gathered your family in your car and are driving away, roll up all the dang windows, lock all the dang doors and don’t drive like a dang dumb arse and run into a tree.

#9 Do NOT buy your child a doll like the one pictured here.

Follow these 11 rules, and you just might make it.

               

In Rhode Island, they have a law that statesRhode Islanders who bite off someone else's limb will face no more than 20 years in prison (but no less than one) — but only if they maimed the victim on purpose.  AND, if you fall and your teeth accidentally dismember somebody, you will have a legitimate defense. Don't worry. 

I think I'm just gonna stay out of RI!

              

I love you all! Thank you for reading.  Remember… don’t run with scissors, and call your Muther and Grandmuther, I know that they would love that.

Oct. 22, 2017

Irritations

  1. It irritates me when I hear someone say at this point in time.  What happened to just saying now or right now? 

  2. Have you noticed that people have almost quit starting their sentences with the word basically. Man they beat the heck out of that word, didn’t they?  It made me cringe every time I heard it!

 Helpful Hint:

Saying mean things about someone who isn't around makes you look bad to others, doesn’t it?  What if you said the following, “She’s older than the hills, and can’t remember her own name!”  Wow, that’s brutal, right? Well, just soften the jab by adding "bless her heart" at the end, and it will make you sound like you're a sweet, loving person.  Listen:  "She's older than the hills, and can't remember her own name, bless her heart."  See there, from evil wretch to caring friend.

 Don’t Judge Me:

I would be a great asset stocking store shelves, because I like things straight and in order.  My OCD, or whatever, causes me to straighten CDs while I'm looking through them, and I straighten books, and sometimes grocery store items like boxes and jars.  I don’t do it in a huge way though, not so you could notice.  Hey! Everybody has their hang ups, dude!

 Please Remember:

 As you go through this week… Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just stand there, when you see a Lemonade Stand, always stop and buy a glass and pay more than the little kids are asking for, and best of all... always remember to call your Muther or Grandmuther, cause that would make their day.  Thank y'all so much for reading! Luv Ya!

Oct. 15, 2017

Over the loud speaker at Walmart on Spencer and East Blvd, I heard -- "Elvis, please go to online. Elvis, please go to online."  It put a smile on my face, and I started looking around to see if anyone else got the humor in Elvis being in the building.  Nope, nobody noticed the humor in it.  So, I continued shopping.

 Then, I see this kid stocking shelves, who actually, truly, seriously looked like a young Elvis!  I kid you not!  So, me being the goofball that I am, stopped and asked the boy if he was Elvis.  He said, "No, but I can take you to him.  He's over in the toy area."  I said, “You mean you’re not the Elvis that the announcer told to go online?”  He said, “No.”

 Continuing with my goofballness I said, "Well you look more like Elvis than Elvis does!  Has anyone ever told you that?”  He looked at me funny, replied “No,” and he began to lead me to the toy department to see the other Elvis. 

 I stopped Elvis Not and said that I didn’t want to see the other Elvis, and he just stared at me. I felt so stupid and uncomfortable, can you imagine how Elvis Not felt? And I wished that I hadn't said anything to him.  But, you know me... my stupid mouth just continued on as if I had no control over it, imagine that!  "Seriously though, you look so much like Elvis that I was going to ask you for your autograph."  The poor, sweet kid smiled warily and continued to look at me as if I were from Uranus or some other funny sounding planet. Finally I heard me say, "Well okay then, you have a nice day."  and then I walked away as fast as an old lady with bad knees can walk. 

 Good lord, what makes me do stuff like that? Why do I have to act on what I’m thinking?  I'm thinking it's the old fart in me, maybe.

Later that evening at home, I remembered Elvis Not at Walmart, and I wondered if my going on talking to him like that bordered on sexual harassment?  I mean, I didn’t grab anything of his, but I did go on too long with him.  I’m thinking I’ve gotta get a filter, or a shopping partner who knows to stop me before I make an arse of myself, or maybe I should have my tongue removed, or something!

 One thing about it though, I don't think that clueless boy even knew who Elvis Presley was.

 Here's A Shout Out To: Devera Allen-Scheller. She's the Yoga Stretch and Total Body Workout instructor for Wellness classes at the college.  She once weighed 203 lbs. She lost weight by exercising and eating right, and has kept the weight off for 13 years!  I'm so proud of her, she's quite an inspiration.  One thing I'm really sad about though is that the college ended the Yoga Stretch classes due to low attendance.  There was only one student showing up... me.  Oh well there's still the TBW class, and I guess I’ll have to continue with yoga stretching on my own, at home.  Yeah, right, ha!

 Helpful Hint of the week:  When using a coffee creamer in those little, individual containers, open them away from you. Never say I didn't warn you.

 Thank y'all so much for reading! As you go through this new week that's coming on, please remember the following important things:  you are not alone, "You can take a horse to water, but a pencil has to be led." -Stan Laurel, and best of all... always remember to call your Muther or Grandmuther, cause that would make their day!